Low self-esteem can affect how you see yourself, your relationships and the choices you make in life. You may struggle to feel good enough, compare yourself unfavourably with others, doubt your abilities or find it difficult to recognise your own value.
Sometimes this takes the form of a persistent inner critic — an internal voice that tells you that you should be doing better, that you’ve got something wrong, or that other people are somehow more capable, confident or deserving than you.
Even when part of you knows these judgements are unfair, it can be surprisingly difficult to stop believing them.
I offer psychotherapy and counselling for low self-esteem and self-criticism from my practice in Dalston, East London, and online.
What does low self-esteem feel like?
Low self-esteem does not always look like an obvious lack of confidence.
You may be successful or capable in many areas of your life while privately feeling that you are not quite good enough. Praise may be difficult to take in, while criticism — or even the possibility of criticism — can feel disproportionately powerful.
You might find yourself:
- comparing yourself constantly with other people
- worrying about what others think of you
- finding it difficult to recognise your strengths
- dismissing achievements as luck or believing anyone could have done the same
- seeking reassurance or approval from others
- finding it difficult to say no or assert your needs
- avoiding opportunities because you fear failure or rejection
- striving to be perfect in order to feel acceptable
- procrastinating when something feels exposing or difficult
- feeling uncomfortable taking up space or drawing attention to yourself
- being far more compassionate towards other people than you are towards yourself
Over time, these patterns can shape relationships, work, creativity and the possibilities you allow yourself to pursue.
Understanding the inner critic
Most of us have some capacity for self-criticism. It can help us reflect on our behaviour, recognise mistakes and make changes.
The inner critic becomes more problematic when criticism is relentless, punitive or attacks our worth as a person.
Instead of:
I made a mistake.
it becomes:
I’m a failure.
Instead of:
I don’t know how to do this yet.
it becomes:
Everyone else knows what they’re doing. There’s something wrong with me.
And instead of helping us grow, the critic can leave us anxious, ashamed, paralysed or afraid to try.
It may seem that the solution is simply to silence this voice or replace negative thoughts with positive ones. In therapy, however, I am interested in becoming curious about the critic rather than immediately trying to get rid of it.
Where does the inner critic come from?
Our relationship with ourselves develops over time.
The ways we were responded to as children, expectations within our families, experiences at school, relationships with peers, cultural messages and later experiences of acceptance or rejection can all contribute to how we learn to see ourselves.
Sometimes we internalise critical voices or expectations from the people around us. At other times, self-criticism develops as a way of trying to protect ourselves.
A part of us may learn:
If I criticise myself first, perhaps criticism from someone else won’t hurt as much.
If I make sure everything is perfect, perhaps I won’t be rejected.
If I keep other people happy, perhaps I will remain accepted.
If I don’t try, I can’t fail.
From this perspective, the inner critic may not simply be an enemy. However painful its methods have become, it may originally have developed in an attempt to keep us safe, accepted or in control.
Understanding this can begin to change our relationship with it.
The different parts of ourselves
Psychosynthesis understands personality as containing different parts, sometimes called subpersonalities.
The inner critic can be understood as one of these parts.
But it is rarely alone.
There may also be a perfectionist who works relentlessly to prove your worth; a people-pleaser who tries to maintain approval; an anxious part that anticipates what could go wrong; a procrastinating part that avoids situations in which you might fail; or a younger, more vulnerable part carrying feelings of shame or inadequacy.
These parts can create difficult internal conflicts.
You may consciously want to become more confident while another part warns you not to draw attention to yourself. You may want to pursue an opportunity while another tells you that you will embarrass yourself. You may want to set a boundary while a people-pleasing part fears disappointing someone.
Therapy can help us slow these conflicts down and understand what the different parts of you are trying to achieve or protect.
Rather than allowing the loudest or most critical part to determine how you see yourself, you can begin to develop a different relationship with your inner world.
You are more than your inner critic
When the inner critic has been present for a long time, its judgements can begin to feel like facts.
I’m not interesting enough.
I’m too much.
I’m not successful enough.
I’m not attractive enough.
I should be further ahead by now.
Psychosynthesis makes an important distinction between having an experience and being defined by it.
You can notice a thought without accepting it as the whole truth about who you are.
Instead of:
I’m not good enough.
you may gradually become able to notice:
There is a part of me that believes I’m not good enough.
This may look like a small linguistic change, but psychologically it can be significant.
It creates some space between you and the judgement. From that space it becomes possible to become curious about where the belief came from, what activates it and whether you want it to continue determining your choices.
Self-esteem is not about convincing yourself that you’re wonderful
Working with self-esteem does not mean replacing every negative thought with a positive one or trying to maintain constant confidence.
There will always be things we find difficult. We will make mistakes, experience rejection and encounter people who are more skilled than us in particular areas.
A more resilient sense of self-worth allows room for these experiences without turning them into verdicts on our value as a person.
Therapy can help you develop a more realistic and compassionate relationship with yourself — one in which strengths and limitations can coexist.
The aim is not to create an idealised version of yourself, but to become less governed by the demand to prove that you are good enough.
From self-criticism towards self-compassion
For people with a strong inner critic, the idea of self-compassion can initially feel uncomfortable.
You may fear that being less hard on yourself will make you complacent, selfish or unmotivated. Perhaps self-criticism has been one of the main ways you have driven yourself forward.
But criticism and encouragement are not the same thing.
As we understand the fears beneath the critic, it can become possible to develop an internal relationship that is less punitive without abandoning discernment, responsibility or ambition.
This may mean learning to recognise when you are attacking yourself rather than reflecting constructively. It can involve becoming more aware of your needs and boundaries, allowing yourself to make mistakes, or questioning standards you have spent years assuming you must meet.
Over time, there can be more room for encouragement, curiosity and compassion alongside healthy self-reflection.
Becoming more fully yourself
Low self-esteem can gradually narrow a life.
If much of your attention is directed towards whether you are acceptable to other people, it can become difficult to know what you actually want.
You may have learned to adapt yourself to relationships, avoid risks, minimise your needs or make choices based on what you believe you should do rather than what feels meaningful.
Psychotherapy can therefore involve more than simply trying to feel better about yourself.
It can become an exploration of who you are when you are less governed by fear, comparison and the need for approval.
What matters to you?
What qualities would you like to develop?
What have you held back?
What might you choose if the inner critic did not have the final say?
These questions connect work on self-esteem with a deeper process of developing identity, choice and direction.
How I work with low self-esteem
My approach is grounded in psychosynthesis psychotherapy and also draws on psychodynamic and existential approaches, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and other forms of parts work.
We might explore the experiences and relationships that have contributed to how you see yourself, while also paying attention to how these patterns operate in your life now.
We can become curious about the different parts involved — the inner critic, perfectionist, people-pleaser, procrastinator or more vulnerable parts of you — and what each may be trying to protect.
The therapeutic relationship itself can also become an important place to notice patterns around approval, judgement, trust, boundaries and being seen by another person.
My intention is not to teach you to think positively about yourself. It is to help you develop a deeper, more compassionate and more grounded relationship with yourself, with greater freedom to make choices based on who you are and what matters to you.
Therapy for Low Self-Esteem in Dalston, East London
I offer individual psychotherapy and counselling for adults experiencing low self-esteem, self-doubt and a strong inner critic from my practice in Dalston, East London, as well as online.
You do not need to know exactly why you feel the way you do before beginning therapy. Part of our work can be discovering together how these patterns developed, how they affect you now and what might allow something different to emerge.
If you would like to explore whether working together might be right for you, you are welcome to book an initial session or contact me with any questions.
